THE NEW YEAR: January 13, 2012

OK, it's been a while since I've blogged. I was a bit busy in December finishing up a course. Too, my stupid appendix decided to become gangrenous, requiring me to have an emergency appendectomy on December 15th.

Just before Christmas we were told that our adoption agency in Colorado was closing. This threw us for a huge loop and we were unsure what to do. Two of the social workers from the original Colorado agency were moving to a new agency with the new year. We decided to follow. It all happened so quickly and we had to have our file moved over without knowing too much about the new agency, etc. We still were maintaining our work with the Independent Adoption Center, the out of state agency which matches us with the birthmother and places the child with us. Two of my concerns with this were 1) Are we going to get slammed by tons of new fees moving to another agency? 2) How is this going to affect our homestudy which expires in January?

For our homestudy update, we had to have our physicals with our doctors before getting the new medical forms from the new agency. I then had to take them in to be filled out and signed by our doctors. I did this a week ago. I just spent about half an hour on the phone with someone at the doctors office to try to track down the forms.

I was just told by one of the social workers that followed from the original Colorado agency to the new one that the way this agency works, we have to pay these additional fees before the homestudy. This is exactly what I was worried about! She did tell me that the original Colorado agency is looking to give clients a refund, so that should help. My parents have been helping us with adoption costs so we don't deplete our house fund. Now we have to ask for help with these unexpected fees. Then there are the hospital bills we're getting for my surgery. And, this is the time I decided to stop working full time and go back to school, not bringing in a big income.

The fact that our homestudy is expiring is hard for me. They need to be updated once a year. Our profile didn't become active until March of 2010, but the fact that the homestudy has to be updated just reinforces that time we've been waiting. Plus, this will be the second update we've had to do because our original homestudy was done in January 2010 to become foster parents.

I've moved beyond grieving the loss of being unable to be pregnant, give birth, nurse, etc., and have begun to be quite angry and bitter. There are many women getting pregnant without wanting. Here we are, wanting to be parents, and it's taking all of this crazy paperwork and cost. I'd love to have more than one child. Two concerns have crossed my mind. I am now 37. If it's taking this long, will we be able to go through this process again for a second child? Secondly, we can't afford to adopt a second child.

In hindsight, Mike was smart to dismiss the idea of egg donation and IVF. We could have been in the position of going through all that physical, emotional, and financial strain without it working. I have to trust that adoption is the right path for us. Yet, it's hard to continue to have that faith, strength, and courage. I continue to pray for God's guidance and support throughout this process. I'm grateful for my loving and supportive husband.

Why is adoption so expensive? Why does it take so long? When will this happen for us? Why hasn't it happened yet? I have to have faith that this will happen for us; when and how it's right for us and for the baby. It takes a great deal of determination to face each day with that faith and optimism. Sometimes I feel so completely discouraged and emotionally drained.