Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Failed Adoptions

I came across this article on Facebook and found it quite intriguing.  It is a birth mother's perspective and guidance to informing adoptive parents if they've changed their mind about the adoption plan or the adoptive parents.


As an adoptive mom who has suffered a failed adoption, I can't begin to pretend to understand the emotions and journey of a birthmother.  I can respect and understand if she changes her mind about adoption or the adoptive parents.  I'm not at all pretending that this would be easy for any of the parties involved.

We can not pretend that even in the smoothest of adoption journeys it is easy and without its challenges for all involved.  Even if for the most rational reasons, adoption comes with both joy and sorrow and rewards and challenges.

One thing that I have recently come to recognize is that losing baby Russell is a grief that I will carry with me each and every day of my life!  I do not wish a failed adoption upon anyone.  I do not happily accept the situation of losing our son, but I have found a sense of peace and normalcy in my continued grief.

We have received notification that with one agency we've had 33 of our brochures go out in these past 3 months.  We've been shown to a number of other birth mothers through the second agency.  I have completely mixed feelings about this.  These are wonderfully positive signs that we are being shown and seen.  That is awesome!  On the other hand, these have resulted in not one e-mail or phone call or match.  I've become cautiously optimistic with each potential birth mother.  It's still impossible not to feel the sting of rejection when we're not chosen.

I met my wonderful husband, Mike nine years ago.  I told him of my inability to have children after we had been dating only a week and a half.  Adoption was brought up as an option for the future.  Never did I imagine that nine years later we would still not be parents and have suffered a horribly devastating failed adoption.

People continue to encourage patience and that the right child is out there.  This has been a huge challenge for me.  My family and friends who know me well know that I am not a patient person!  I can be patient with others, but not with situations out of my control.  I set my mind upon a goal and work like crazy to attain that goal.  I feel so helpless and out of control in this situation as we've done everything possible that we can do at this point in time.  It is so difficult to maintain faith when faced with disappointment after disappointment.

It has been said that we'll forget about this loss and the waiting period once we have our baby in our arms.  I unarguably will NEVER forget the grief of losing Russell or the more than two and a half years of waiting.  I can say that I will carry this grief always, but it is true that time heals.