My incredible friend, Michelle, is an adoptive mom of two boys. She is a friend from church and actually connected me with Adoption Choices of Colorado, with which we've resumed our adoption profile. She had a cradle she used with her two boys that she generously wanted to pass along to us. She brought it over to the house the other day and it is beautiful! Thank you, Michelle!
I await the day when it will not be empty, but filled with my beautiful child! It is taking conscious effort to look at the cradle and the rest of the nursery without being sad about their emptiness, but with the hope and promise of what is to come. Some days are easier than others to keep the faith. In speaking with Michelle, we hoped that putting the cradle in the nursery will help bring some positive energy to this adoption journey.
I'm beginning work on two letters that are just for my emotional processing, and will not be mailed. The first letter is to Russell's birthmother. I would not wish a failed adoption upon anyone. It has been the most devastating and heartbreaking event of my life! I have come to recognize some of the positives of this situation though.
Things I was already aware of but have been reminded of are:
1. I have an incredible husband and marriage.
2. I am surrounded by loving and supportive family and friends.
The thing that I've learned and that I want to include in my letter to Russell's birthmother is:
I now am aware of the grief and loss that most birthmothers must experience. I will be an adoptive mom with this rare insight and understanding. I hope this is a help in our relationship with a birthmother through open adoption and will aid in the sharing of our child's birth and adoption story.
The second letter that I would like to write is one to our future child. One in which I share the hope and promise of his coming.
One really difficult pill to swallow is that a couple we met in November 2010 when we went to L.A. for our intensive weekend with Independent Adoption Center, now has a son they adopted in 2011, and is on the list awaiting a second child. I DO NOT begrudge them their happiness one bit! It's just difficult to see how this can be a smooth and quick process for some and a difficult and long journey for others like us.