It's been almost one month since Russell left us. So how do you move on
from something like what we experienced? At this time, I'm not yet
sure. Things I do know are:
1. I have an amazing husband to whom I'm holding tight and enjoying our time together.
2. I have loving and supportive parents (both by blood and marriage), family, and friends.
3. I am grateful for my church family, and feel blessed by the moms group and their support.
4. I will NEVER forget Russell. There is a part of my heart that will always belong to him.
I have been spending a lot of time watching bad t.v. and it's been hard
waking up in the morning. I have been trying to get back into my
routine of going on morning runs, playing the violin, composing, and
housework. I have found solace in working on my seedlings that are not
yet ready to be planted outside. This afternoon I'm going to do some
spring cleanup and weeding of our back yard. I bought blackberry and
raspberry bushes that I'm going to plant and I have some bulbs that need
to be moved. I am back into my teaching routine and enjoy my time
working with my voice and piano students. I have been doing some
writing, trying to write this experience before I forget some of the
details. I will ALWAYS love and miss Russell, but I want to write some
of the details and emotions while they're still fresh. I am hoping to
get back into some more composing as well. I am now at the point where I
feel well enough to get back into doing things that I'm feeling
overwhelmed by all that I need and want to do.
As I write, Mother's Day is tomorrow. I have no idea how I'm going to
emotionally handle that. It's going to be a drastically different day
than I imagined after Russell was born. I have decided against going to
church that morning. Mike and I are planning on doing some yard work
and then something else. We don't yet know what that will be. It's
supposed to be a gorgeous day, so I'd like to do something outside.
Mike and I have decided to make our adoption profile through Independent
Adoption Center active again. It took two years to get the match that
brought us Russell. We've been at the point where we've been grieving
and not ready for a baby right this second. Yet, we (especially I),
feel the ticking clock. I just turned 39 last week and have been ready
for motherhood for many, many years. I desperately want to be sure to
live life with my husband to the fullest, but there is a hole in my life
that can only be filled with a child. The longer we keep our adoption
profile on hold, the less we're seen, and the longer we go without the
possibility of being matched. Mike and I have agreed that we are going
to be especially careful of the circumstances before we match with
birthparents. Being back on the books, if we receive a communication
before we're ready, we can always say, "no." I spoke with our counselor
yesterday and she said that she was going to reactivate our account.
Here is the link to the Independent Adoption Center's website:
http://www.iheartadoption.org/
Here is the link to our profile:
http://www.iheartadoption.org/users/mikeandkristinv
It may not yet be up and running again, but please take note of it.
Please help spread the word. Thank you!
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