The case worker came today to do the home inspection of our new place.
We should be back up and running in about a week or so. Then who knows
when we'll be chosen and by whom. Somewhere out there is a woman with
whom we are perfectly matched to raise her baby. I'm definitely ready
for her to find us!
So the past few weeks I've been suffering
from the guilty feeling of wanting to be a mom. I had put "just a mom,"
but those are the incorrect choice of words. As women in this time,
society expects us to be superheroes, doing everything. I've been
worried I'll be thought of as dependent, weak, and unintelligent by
wanting to be a stay-at-home mom. Being a mother is work too! Then I
have to remind myself that there have been many independent, strong, and
intelligent women who stayed at home with their babies. My mother is a
perfect example of that!
I told Mike I was worried I was not
bringing in more money. He and I agreed that we want to have me home
raising our child. Yes, that means that less income will be coming in,
but so be it. He reminded me that no one can expect me to be a graduate
student, homemaker, wage earner, and mother. The only person who
expects me to juggle so many things, is me. The only person who expects
to be perfect at each thing she does, is me. For some mothers, they
need to work outside of the home. Each parent, child, and family need
different things. I am in NO way criticizing mothers who work outside
of the home.
For me, I can't imagine working full time while
trying to take care of the house and children too. People keep telling
me I need to let things around the house go, but doing that is not at
all easy for me. I'm a very ordered person and one of my faults is
working so hard around the house and not letting myself relax enough. I
remember how overwhelmed I always felt while working full time and
trying to take care and the things around the house I took care of.
After six years of marriage, Mike and I have made shifts of course in
our responsibilities and division of household chores, but I never want
to be in that position again! I can't imagine also throwing a child
into the mix. If anyone can do it all, I'd love for you to tell me how!
Now,
I just woke up from a nap (which I RARELY take) and am feeling guilty
about all the other things I could have been doing while sleeping. I
expect myself to be able to each day: exercise, keep my house in perfect
order, cook, practice music, compose, read, do homework, get out of the
house for some activity, do a crafty activity, and more. No one can
physically do everything every day. Why do I expect myself to?
I
guess the desire in me to be a mom is so great that I'm just so anxious
to move onto that phase of life and have motherhood be my priority.
That desire made the last couple of years teaching in the classroom so
difficult. I loved the children I taught and believed in what I was
doing. It's just that I wanted to be a mom so badly teaching was no
longer where my heart and passion were.
Full time moms sometimes
receive criticism that their life revolves around this baby and they
lose themselves. I don't want to lose myself, and I need some time to
have the other things I love in my life, but I'll be a better mom for
that. I'm still planning on singing in choir and doing music. Those
things are my emotional grounding and sanity, that's for sure! I can't
imagine my life without music. Mike and I are going to work of
schedules so he'll be home for me to sing and he can get out of the
house outside of work to bowl. Those things are just too important to
each of us not to do.I'm just ready for my time to revolve around a
baby and for that to be what I do with my time.
I have to remind
myself that it doesn't matter to anyone but me, Mike and that baby
whether or not I'm a mom who works outside of the home or a stay-at-home
mom. I shouldn't worry that people think less of me because I want to
stay at home with my baby when he or she comes. The whole point is that
now mothers have a choice. I choose that this is what I want in my
life and I'm so extremely anxious for it to fall into place!
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