Our adoption profile has been up around seven months. This has been
quite a roller-coaster of emotions! As a college friend of mine had a
baby today, I felt it was time to remind people of our wait and hopes of
beginning our journey of parenthood.
If you know me, you know
that I am a very accommodating, unassertive person. Being kind but
standing up for myself and expressing my needs and feelings is something
I put effort into each and every day. I can't help but feeling that
with the adoption process, we are in a position of selling ourselves.
Who knows what a birth-mother will or will not like about us, and what
will make her choose to or not to pick us as adoptive parents of her
baby. We want to be truthful about who we are. Yes, Mike and I both
have positive attributes as well as faults.
I daily grapple with
the fact that there are people having children who do not want children
or should not have children. Why is it that here I am, someone who
desperately wants to be a mother but is unable to by natural means?
When speaking to family and friends, I sometimes receive responses of
platitudes such as, "It takes a special person to adopt," or "You will
end up with the child you're meant to have." Yes, I believe we will end
up with the child we are meant to have, but this does not make the
waiting any easier.
I read a blog post by my cousin a week or so
ago in which she discussed the reasoning for and struggles with the
decision she and her husband made to not have children. She talked
about the fact that this is not a popular choice, it is hard to find
people who can relate. I feel similarly about my infertility and
decision to pursue adoption. Unlike my cousin, I don't feel like I'm
judged by others for my infertility like she is for her decision to not
have children. I receive plenty of support and sympathy from family and
friends for my infertility and choice to adopt. Despite that, there
are only a handful of people in my family and social circles who can
truly relate.
One of the biggest things I am grappling with in
terms of my infertility is the grief that I will not experience
pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. True, these things are not
the sole experiences and activities that make a woman a mother or
parent. It is a grief that runs deep and presents itself each and every
day.
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