HOW DO WE WAIT?: July 3, 2013

After more than two years on the adoption list and a failed adoption, how does one wait and spend her time?  I took the opportunity of moving to Colorado to quit my full-time Montessori teaching career to focus on my music career, the adoption process, and to prepare to be a stay-at-home mom.

The most frustrating thing is that Mike and I have done all that we can and all that is within our control to become parents.  It is so difficult feeling helpless and out of control.  I am a very Type A person and have always been very hard working and determined to accomplish my goals.  We spent a lot of time creating our adoption profile and brochure.  It was difficult to find the balance between being true to ourselves and basically "selling" ourselves to birthmothers.  We have no control over what birthmothers will find in our profile that will make them not choose us, and what our eventual birthmother will find in our profile that will make her choose us to parent her child.

I have been spending my time with my music.  I feel so happy pursuing my passion.  I find making music so very healing.  I had my violin lesson today, and next week am going to record some songs to send people considering hiring me as a soloist.

I have also been spending my time tending to my vegetable garden and cooking.

 zucchini

 garlic braid with garlic grown in my garden

I have been trying to cook a lot of things to freeze.  I want to have things prepared for the time when we have a newborn and the time to cook will be hard to come by.  Today I spent about four hours prepping and cooking a double batch of bolognese meat sauce.  I am taking half of it and will freeze it in a baggie to use for a lasagne.  The other half I'm going to freeze in single serving containers to grab and pour over pasta.  I enjoy cooking and want to have plenty of things available to eat. 

bolognese sauce

I find gardening and cooking so therapeutic.  I am excited about my first year gardening in Colorado.  I love vegetables and fruit and am happy to be able to use product that I myself grew.  I grew up cooking with my mom and have fond memories of the time we spent bonding while cooking and baking.  I got the bolognese sauce recipe from my mom.  I look forward to spending time cooking and baking with my future son or daughter.

Today my young next door neighbor asked me, 

"Are you going to have a baby?"

 Both his mother and I answered,

"Soon."

And I do hope that it will be soon.  I am happy to have such an amazing partner and husband in Mike.  We are enjoying our summer together.  We've gone to see Shakespeare plays and last weekend went on a beautiful long drive.  My parents come soon for a visit and then Mike and I are going to spend time visiting with his family.  I am happy and fulfilled in my marriage.  There is just still no denying that there is a hole in my life by not being a mother.  Here's to hoping that Christmas 2012 was the last Christmas we spent without a child.