What to Do When Awake at 4 a.m.

What does one do when her 4 week old daughter wakes at 1:45 a.m. and will not go back to sleep again for more than 5 minutes at a time?  Well, you finally give up at 4 a.m., strap her into the Ergo baby carrier, make a hot strong cup of tea, unload the dishwasher, clean out the fridge in preparation for today's grocery run, and get in some reading of Louise Penny's Rules Against Murder.  

As I type, Rose is asleep in the baby carrier, head resting against my chest.  I have to admit that I'm a bit tired as the parent of a newborn.  Yet, the lack of sleep, the changing and washing of diapers, and the preparation of bottles all mean that I have this incredible human being in my life.  Through my sleep-deprived fog, I am deliriously happy.  I wouldn't at all change a thing.  Well, I would love more sleep, but we can't have everything, can we?!  The fact that I'm sleep-deprived is a tangible reminder of this incredible blessing.

There are two incredibly cute things Rose does.  1) Often after sneezing, she sighs. It goes like this.  "Achoo.  Aaahhh."  And 2). After taking a burp break during feeding and you're wondering whether or not she would like more, she'll smack her lips together as a sign that she wants more.  

I love these adorable tendencies in her and have shared them with her birth mother, who enjoyed hearing of them.

Tired, but blissfully happy mama signing out!

Remembrances

Today, March 27, 2014, marked Russell's first birthday.  For months I had been dreading this day.  I dreaded the memories and the anniversary reminder of our grief over the loss of our son.  I learned that the grief of losing our son will be with me each and every day the rest of my life.

I woke up this morning knowing the significance of this day, yet, it turned out to not be as difficult as I worried it would be.  This is not to mean that I love Russell any less.  This is not to mean that the failed adoption was devastating.  This is not to mean that I have stopped grieving the loss of our son.

Me holding Russell

photo by Olivia Navarro Photography

One thing that I have been grappling with is the fact that I would not have my newborn daughter Rose if we had not experienced the loss of Russell.  I was absolutely crushed losing Russell.  I love him now and will forever more.  The loss of Russell was the most devastating thing in my entire life.  Yet, I'm happier than I can ever express as Mama to sweet baby Rose and can't imagine my life without her.  To think that our paths would not have crossed and I would not have her in my life if we still had Russell with us.  Our adoption profile would not have been active for Rose's birthmother to chose us as adoptive parents.  It's odd to think of the two different paths my life could have taken and the way that it's turned out.

I remembered Russell today as I went about grocery shopping.  I shed tears for him as I did my hair.  I shed tears for no longer knowing him.  I shed tears over not witnessing his growing up.  I passed the day with my beautiful new daughter.  Rose turned 3 weeks old today.  I kept thinking that we didn't make it to 3 weeks with Russell.  I am sad to no longer know Russell, but I have the joy of Rose in my life.  It is a joy impossible to describe!  I was told that I would forget Russell.  NEVER in my entire life will I forget him!  I will forever grief the loss of my son.  Yet, I feel grateful to be passing the anniversary of his birth holding my beautiful newborn daughter Rose.

I treasure the time bathing and reading to my daughter.  She is more precious than I could have ever imagined.  I love her beyond measure and  fall more and more in love with my husband every day seeing him as the amazing father that he has become.

Rose after tonight's bath

I do not have the joy of parenting Russell, but he will forever hold a place in my heart.  I have the amazing joy of parenting Rose and being her Mama.  That is the most important, fulfilling, and rewarding job I have ever had in my entire life.  I will spend each and every day of my life trying to prove my worthiness of Rose's birthmother allowing me this most incredible honor.

Happy birthday, dear Russell!  And to Rose's birthmother G., the most sincere thank you for this most amazing gift ever of Rose.

Our Life Forever Changed

Our life was forever changed on March 6, 2014 at 12: 11 a.m. with the birth of our daughter, Rose Michaela.

After the birthmother, G.,  had gone into the hospital multiple times, we decided to head out to Vegas for what seemed like would be the early arrival of our daughter.  G. went into the hospital twice on Wednesday, February 26th, but was sent home each time.  It appeared that things were happening, and soon.  So Mike and I packed up the car and headed out for the long drive to Vegas.  My parents drove from southern California to be with us. 

Nothing happened on Thursday the 27th, so we went to meet G. and her caseworker at a coffee shop on Friday, February 28th.  This was our first time meeting her in person.  We were both excited and nervous.  The meeting went very well and we were thrilled to have the opportunity to meet G. for the first time besides during the rush of labor and delivery.

Sunday, March 2nd, G. texted inviting us to attend church with her.  I was at first hesitant because I was under the impression that G. wanted to wait until after relinquishment paperwork was signed before we met each others' families.  We ended up accepting the honor of the invitation.  G.'s pastor said a prayer over us after the service.  We then went and met G.'s parents, 2 of her sisters, and her 6 year old daughter.  We then went out to dinner with them.  What an amazing and wonderful family! 

G. did share that she had been having strong contractions and her family actually took her to the hospital again after dinner, only for her to be sent home.

The baby hadn't yet come, so the next day, Monday, March 3rd, Mike and I met with G., her daughter, and my parents and went to the aquarium together.  We had a lovely time and had a photo taken together that is now on the dresser in the nursery.

This whole time, G. had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, March 5th.  She told me that if things didn't happen before that time, she was going to ask the doctor to induce her.

Wednesday, March 5th came and early afternoon I received a text from G. letting me know that the doctor had stretched her cervix, meaning that she should go into labor or her water should break that day or the next.  Ouch!  Here we were going to become parents without the physical experience of pregnancy, labor, or delivery. 

My parents, Mike, and I were in the condo watching tv that night, March 5th, when we got the call from the caseworker telling us that it was Baby Time.  Mike and I packed our things and headed to the hospital.

We walked into G.'s room and she asked, "How are you?"  Are you kidding me, girl?!  Here you're in the middle of a contraction and in obvious pain, and you ask us how were are?!

We  spent some time in the waiting room with the caseworker and G.'s family and friends.  She had her mother and a friend in the delivery room with her.

Our daughter, Rose Michaela arrived at 12:11 a.m. on Thursday, March 6th.  She weighed 5 lbs. 8 oz. and measured 19 and 1/4" long.  G. did not want to hold or see Rose at that time.  She was born wide eyed and completely alert.  They wheeled Rose to the nursery where we were with her until we were kindly and gently scooted out by the nurses around 4 a.m. 

The hospital was going to provide us with a hospital room to be with Rose until relinquishment paperwork was signed, but there was not yet one available.  We ended up going back to the condo and slept a bit.  We returned to the hospital around 11 a..m.  My parents came to the nursery and were able to come and hold Rose.

Thursday, March 6th around 3 p.m. we were given a hospital room.  Nevada law states that the baby needs to be with the birthmother or in cradle care during those 72 hours before relinquishment paperwork is signed.  The hospital graciously allowed us to have a courtesy room for that time so we could be with Rose. 

Two of G.'s sisters, her mother, and her 6 year old daughter came to see Rose in our room that night.  It was lovely seeing the love that they have for Rose.  G.'s 6 year old daughter kept saying about Rose, "She's adorable!" 

The hospital room was not really comfortable or conducive to both of us sleeping there with Rose.  At that point in time my parents had to vacate the comfy condo with a full kitchen, washer and dryer, and go to a smaller hotel room.  It was good that I was in the hospital with the baby, as we would not have fit in the room.

My parents were wonderfully making food runs and running errands for us.  Mike spent as much time with us in the room as he was able to.

None of us are at all Vegas people, so my parents needed something to do to get out.  G. ended up coming by our hospital room a couple times before she was discharged on Saturday, March 8th, but didn't hold Rose.

At first we were unsure whether or not relinquishment paperwork would be able to be signed on Sunday the 9th or if it would have to wait until Monday the 10th.  It ended up working out that we were all able to sign the necessary paperwork on Sunday the 9th.

After we signed paperwork we went to the hospital and Rose was discharged.  At that time my parents we able to move all of us into a large 2 suite condo which would hold us all very comfortably.  We brought our daughter back to the condo.

We made arrangements with G. that she and her family could come over to the condo on Monday evening to see Rose.  G. came with her daughter, parents, and 3 sisters to visit.  My parents, Mike, Rose, and I got to spend some wonderful time with all of them.  We shared food they graciously brought us, talked, and took tons of beautiful photos.  Out of respect for the birth family's privacy, I will not share any of those photos in this post.

Mike, my parents, and I were just blown away.  We felt as if this get together with G. and her family truly redefined open adoption and extended family.  How could we be so blessed as to gain a daughter and this incredible family at the same time?!  A truly remarkable evening all around.

On Wednesday, March 12th, we received the phone call that we were able to leave the state of Nevada and go home.  We texted G. to see if she wanted to see Rose again before we made the trek back home to Colorado.  She told us that she felt as if she said her goodbyes on Monday and it wasn't necessary for her to see her again before we made our way back to Colorado.  Mike and I decided to get a start on the drive that evening, but a huge accident with a burnt semi made the progress slow and we ended up spending the night in Cedar City, Utah.

Thursday, March 13th we made it all the way home.  Wonderful Mike did ALL of the driving that day as I got to be in the back seat with Rose who was sound asleep the whole time, and got some sleep myself. 

We arrived home around 8 p.m. and brought our daughter home for the first time at one week old.

Open adoption is absolutely incredible!  In the 2 days we've been home, we've received a text from G.'s mother with some photos.  I've also set up a Dropbox folder for photos and have shared it with all of G.'s family.  This baby has so very many people who love her.  Open adoption doesn't threaten your position as parent.  It allows your child to know her history and background and to have a relationship with that family.  It allows your child to be the recipient of even more love from the extended family of both birth and adoptive families.  As I've said before, I am not at all of the belief that the birth of Rose and the placement of her with us as her parents is the end of this journey, but just the beginning.

Welcome, sweet Rose!  The light of my life.  I am so in love with you and am incredibly honored  and blessed to be your Mama!  Words can never express my gratitude and love to your birthmother for bringing you into this world and choosing us.  We love you all!

What Can I Control

Today I started doing laundry and packing.  I wanted to get some of Mike's things packed, but he wouldn't let me.  He says he'll do that quickly when the time comes.  We talked over scenarios of what to do if baby girl comes early.

I told Mike that I was feeling a bit anxious because we don't know when the baby will arrive.  I am one who likes to feel in control.  I can not control her arrival.  I told Mike that I am not freaking out, but packing is something I can control.

I started washing baby bottles.

I know I will have to rewash them, but it is something I can be doing right now.

Update on Baby Girl

It's been a long while since I've blogged.  I've been getting a lot of people understandably asking for an update on the baby and our journey.

Things have been going very smoothly.  The baby is technically due on March 19th.  I have my flight to Vegas booked and Mike plans to follow shortly afterwards in his car.  I continue to communicate with the birthmother, G., who is now visiting the doctor weekly.  Mike and I have set aside baby clothes and items that we want to take with us.  My mom made a beautiful valance for the nursery and things are nicely set up.

Last Sunday I awoke to an e-mail from G. in which she informed me that she had experienced labor pains Friday night, keeping her up all night.  She ended up calling the nurse from work on Saturday because the pains were continuing.  The nurse told G. to make her way to the hospital, so she did.  She was told that she was in labor.  She was 35 weeks pregnant, so their goal was to stop the contractions.  After what G. describes as 3 painful shots and hours, the hospital staff was able to stop her contractions. 

I was definitely nervous about this.  This was more than a month before G.'s duedate!  My mom reassured me that the hospital would not have sent her home if there was a problem.  She was not put on bedrest or told to see the doctor before her next regularly scheduled visit.

G. had another doctor's visit on Wednesday where she was told that the goal is to keep the baby "cooking" for atleast another two weeks.  That would mean she'll be at about 37 weeks, a safer period for delivery. 

My plan was to start laundering all the newborn baby clothes beginning March 1st and Mike and I could then organize what items I will be taking with me on my flight and what items Mike will take with him in the car.  It looks like we may have to do this earlier than I had planned!  I want to be packed and pretty much ready in case we need to make a quick exit.

Oh my goodness, this is coming up quickly!  I'd always heard people say that the waiting period in an adoption journey feels like eternity.  Well, almost three years.  Yes, it did feel like an eternity!  I've also heard that then that time between match and birth always seems to go by so incredibly fast.  I am finding this to completely be the truth!

Oh my goodness, I'm going to be a mama very soon.  I continue to pray for the physical and emotional aspect of the journey on the part of G.  When we spoke on the phone a couple weeks ago, I did tell her that no matter how smoothly everything goes, it's not an easy process for anyone involved.  There are so many layers and parts to adoption, that it is so incredibly complex.  I believe that's one reason why adoption is not more openly and frequently discussed.  It's such a complex process, that it is near impossible to relate or truly understand it unless you have experienced it yourself.

We're excited, nervous, and anxious, of course!  I ask that you continue to keep G., the baby, and us in your prayers.  We pray for safe, smooth, and comfortable travel, labor, and delivery.  Words will never be able to express our gratitude and love for G.  I am more and more impressed by her sweet nature, kindness, bravery, and courage each and every day.

Thank you, all for your continued love, prayers, and support! 

Glider

Mike and I went to the furniture store to purchase a new recliner for the livingroom.  Gliders were in the same area as the recliners.  I told Mike that I would love to have one for the nursery.  We found out that if we added a glider to our order, the delivery charge would be the same as with the recliner alone.

The glider was delivered today.  We LOVE it and anxiously await the arrival of the baby girl to rock in it.

We still have some work to do before the nursery is complete and fully functional, but it's coming along.  Of course not as quickly as this impatient girl would like.  We'll be all ready for our little girl! 

THE CALL!

The Call came before 8 a.m. on Tuesday, December 3rd, 2013.  We were told that we had been chosen by a beautiful, strong, courageous, and brave birthmother to be adoptive parents to a baby girl due in March.  From now on, for privacy sake, I will refer to the birthmother as G.

We had our first Facetime conversation with G. on Sunday, Decenber 22nd.  She is lovely!  She is beautiful both inside and out.  G seems very sweet, smart, and has a strong head on her shoulders.  The conversation went very smoothly and we are now communicating daily via e-mail and texts.  G has a six year old daughter.  She has shown us pictures of the absolutely gorgeous girl.

We are definitely planning on an open adoption with our daughter knowing the courageous sacrifice G will have made when placing her for adoption.  We want our daughter to know her sister and other family.  This is going to be a lifelong relationship we have with them.  I'm grateful that we feel so comfortable and open communicating with each other.  I have checked with G, and she has assured me that she's comfortable with me blogging, documenting, and sharing this journey.

We made the announcement of our expected bundle of joy to family and friends via Facebook on Christmas Day.  It was our most sincere wish that this was the last Christmas without a child in our home.  Our wish has been granted.  Already I am thinking about how we may have to decorate differently next year with a nine month old crawling about.  One year my mom actually had to put the Christmas tree in the playpen to keep my extremely active and mischievous little sister from pulling the tree down on top of herself or ruining all of the ornaments.

Mike and I spent a lovely Christmas together, just the two of us.  We Facetimed with my family in California and Mike's family in Michigan.  Mike's mom mentioned that they might come and spend next Christmas with us.

How do you say, "thank you" to someone for the greatest gift of all, that of parenthood?  Adoption, no matter how smooth the relationship between birth and adoptive parents, comes with joys an challenges, rewards, and sacrifices.  Our joy will come from G's sacrifice.  Losing Russell is a grief that I will carry with me each and every day of my life.  I will NEVER claim to know and understand all of G's feelings throughout this process.  I do pray that our experience with grief and loss with allow us to more closely be able to comprehend and relate to some of G's possible feelings with placing her baby for adoption.

Russell's first birthday is March 27th, 2014.  I know that it will be an extremely difficult day for me.  The last time I saw him he was not yet 3 weeks old and I was strapping him in to a car seat and seeing him carried out our front door by a case worker on his way to live with his father.

Our daughter is due on March 19th.  G is certain that the baby will come early, and upon further conversation, she told us that she guesses March 12th.  March 12th, 2014 will be the tenth anniversary of the first date for me and Mike.  Wouldn't that be incredible if the tenth anniversary of our first date is commemorated by the arrival of our daughter?  This would also mean that the stinging pain of Rusell's first birthday will be experienced while holding my newborn daughter.

Right now I'm feeling very nesty.  The nursery has what it needs in terms of crib, changing table, and dresser.  I am someone who is so impatient when it comes to things like this.  Once I have a goal in mind, I want it done and settled.  We just have some further arranging and organization to do.  I picture wooden letters with her name hung above the crib.  Mike assembled a toy shelf/organizer last night.  We'll probably keep it in the kitchen or livingroom, but it's one step closer to having things settled.

Mike's mom sent us a cute outfit for her.  I'm just absolutely thrilled that there is now a tangible reason to be the recipient of baby clothes.  Most of the few clothes that I have are boys things.  I'm not at all worried about clothes for her.  I have plenty of gender neutral sleepers for her for the beginning.  Then, we can hopefully get some hand-me-downs and buy some clothes once we know her size and such.  I picture some cute bows and headbands for her.  We'll see if she'll keep them on.  ;)

Last night Mike and I went to the Blossoms of Light at the Denver Botanic Gardens.  I'd wanted to go ever since we moved to Colorado four years ago.  We almost went last year when Mike's parents were visiting from Michigan, but the one night it worked out with our schedule, it was way too cold and none of us wanted to go out.  The lights were beautiful!  I'll share some photos, but I doubt any of them will do the sights any justice.

We have been put on hold with the second adoption agency we've been working with, and anytime after this adoption is finalized we can reactivate our profile and be put back on the books for a second adoption if we choose.

I came across this article about positive adoption language.  I ask that our family and friends please read this.  One way you can support us, G, and our daughter is by using positive adoption language.
http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2013/whats-so-important-about-positive-adoption-language/?utm_content=buffer1bea7&utm_source=buffer&utm_medium=google&utm_campaign=Buffer

We thank everyone for the incredibly overwhelming prayers, love, and support that are coming our way.  This has definitely been a roller coaster journey of many years.  It is so reassuring knowing that we are surrounded by such loving family and friends.  Thank you!  We are thrilled about this life altering event in our life.  I firmly believe that the birth and placement of our daughter will not be the end of our Journey to Adoption, but actually, just the beginning!!!!!!  :)