Remembrances

Today, March 27, 2014, marked Russell's first birthday.  For months I had been dreading this day.  I dreaded the memories and the anniversary reminder of our grief over the loss of our son.  I learned that the grief of losing our son will be with me each and every day the rest of my life.

I woke up this morning knowing the significance of this day, yet, it turned out to not be as difficult as I worried it would be.  This is not to mean that I love Russell any less.  This is not to mean that the failed adoption was devastating.  This is not to mean that I have stopped grieving the loss of our son.

Me holding Russell

photo by Olivia Navarro Photography

One thing that I have been grappling with is the fact that I would not have my newborn daughter Rose if we had not experienced the loss of Russell.  I was absolutely crushed losing Russell.  I love him now and will forever more.  The loss of Russell was the most devastating thing in my entire life.  Yet, I'm happier than I can ever express as Mama to sweet baby Rose and can't imagine my life without her.  To think that our paths would not have crossed and I would not have her in my life if we still had Russell with us.  Our adoption profile would not have been active for Rose's birthmother to chose us as adoptive parents.  It's odd to think of the two different paths my life could have taken and the way that it's turned out.

I remembered Russell today as I went about grocery shopping.  I shed tears for him as I did my hair.  I shed tears for no longer knowing him.  I shed tears over not witnessing his growing up.  I passed the day with my beautiful new daughter.  Rose turned 3 weeks old today.  I kept thinking that we didn't make it to 3 weeks with Russell.  I am sad to no longer know Russell, but I have the joy of Rose in my life.  It is a joy impossible to describe!  I was told that I would forget Russell.  NEVER in my entire life will I forget him!  I will forever grief the loss of my son.  Yet, I feel grateful to be passing the anniversary of his birth holding my beautiful newborn daughter Rose.

I treasure the time bathing and reading to my daughter.  She is more precious than I could have ever imagined.  I love her beyond measure and  fall more and more in love with my husband every day seeing him as the amazing father that he has become.

Rose after tonight's bath

I do not have the joy of parenting Russell, but he will forever hold a place in my heart.  I have the amazing joy of parenting Rose and being her Mama.  That is the most important, fulfilling, and rewarding job I have ever had in my entire life.  I will spend each and every day of my life trying to prove my worthiness of Rose's birthmother allowing me this most incredible honor.

Happy birthday, dear Russell!  And to Rose's birthmother G., the most sincere thank you for this most amazing gift ever of Rose.