Honoring Your Adopted Child's Ethnic Heritage

When my hubby and I were pursuing creating our family through adoption, we were in definitive agreement that we would welcome a child of a different race or ethnicity.  To us, a child not physically looking like us in NO way meant that child was any less ours.  I am PROUD to be not just a mama, but Mama specifically to Rose.

Our almost 2-year-old daughter is actually of Filipino descent.  My dad LOVES that he has this dark haired granddaughter among the sea of blonde hair of his other three granddaughters.  My mom gifted me a book about Filipino celebrations.  I plan on including Rose in together deciding how we as a family can recognize and celebrate some of the events.

This has not always been an easy situation.  I have never minded family or friends asking me of Rose's ethnicity.  However, a random stranger kindly opening a door for us and asking, "Where is she from?" stings.  Not that I'm embarrassed or ashamed.  Not in the least!  What bothers me is their bluntness regarding an intimate (not private or secret) subject.  What business is it of yours?  A random stranger. I am still in search of a quick, witty, smart-ass but still polite response.

I have heard that some adoptees in transracial adoptions feel like they do not belong to either their birth or adoption ethnicity.  Rose is still young, and I can not promise that we will never have any questions or issues regarding this subject, but here are some things we're doing to teach her of her ethnicity.

1) We share photos and stories of her birth family, and have frequent FaceTime conversations.

2) We remind her of her beauty and acceptance every day.

3) When someone comments of her beauty, we openly give credit to her birtthmama and her beauty.

4) We speak of her Filipino ethnicity with nothing but respect.

5) I have started to try to cook some Filipino recipes.

The first recipe I tried was Chicken Adobo,  I served it with rice and steamed artichoke.  I've included the link to the recipe I found online, and a photo of the end result.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/filipino-chicken-adobo-recipe.html

Rose gobbled it up!  I have received some suggestions of dishes go try in the future.  I look forward to trying them.

I welcome ideas for other ways in which to teach, honor, and respect a child's ethnicity in a transracial adoption.  If you are an parent in a transracial adoption, what kinds of things do you do to recognize and celebrate your child's ethnicity and heritage?

Happy Adoption Day!

Today, November 6, 2015 marks the one year anniversary of the finalization of Rose's adoption.  I have been an emotional mess all day long!  Last night I made a poster of a couple photos from Rose's adoption day for her to take in to school.

I spent this morning baking cupcakes and listening to John McCuthcheon's Happy Adoption Day song.  Rose was quite confused as we listened to the song this morning over breakfast and the tears were streaming down my face.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjFD5Q6G7zI

Mike came home from work and Rose, Mike, and I had a cupcake party followed by some time in my music studio dancing to music.

Words don't give the significance of this anniversary its due importance.  Rose made us a family the day she was born, but the legal finalization of her adoption allowed me to breathe an enormous sigh of relief that it was all for real.  Her birth made us a family, but her adoption day made us a forever family.

Happy Adoption Day, my sweet Rosebud!  Love, Mama

Happy Second Birthday, Russell!

Today, March 27, 2015, marks the second birthday of Russell Alan, the child we lost to a failed adoption.  This is a day of remembrance, grief, and celebration.  Russell was born at home on March 27, 2013, and ambulanced to the hospital.  We had checked into our time share condo for a couple days away for Mike's spring break when we got the call that we had been chosen to be parents.  After almost three weeks, the birth father had been contacted, and chose to parent the baby.  We suffered the loss similar to the death of a child.

The following are newborn photos of us with Russell.  Photos by Olivia Navarro Photography.

As mentioned before, I will probably always be processing the fact that if we hadn't experienced the loss of Russell, we would not have our beautiful and amazing daughter, Rose!  Rose turned one year old on March 6th, and is the light of our life!  I can't imagine life without her.  She is our beautiful, smart, sweet, happy, strong, and determined little girl!  Words can not express the gratitude, love, and appreciation for her birth mother for giving us the greatest gift in the world, that of parenthood.

Rose on March 26, 2015 on the swing in our back yard

After an overwhelming day yesterday of grocery shopping, food prep, cleaning up the kitchen, and teaching a piano lesson, Mike suggested I get a morning off today.  Mike's on spring break.  I've given him some opportunities to sleep in, and he offered me a rare opportunity for me to do the same.  This morning I slept in until 7:30 a.m.!  Yay!  I then went on a run by myself.  It felt AMAZING, both physically and emotionally.  The tears of grief streamed down my face along the home stretch of my run.

 Here is a photo taken during a walking bread on this morning's run.

I had been meaning to take a trip to a used clothing store to get some clothes for Rose.  It was the plan that the three of us would go together today, but Mike suggested I could do the shopping trip solo.  The store is just far enough away that it's not at all easy for me to make trips there.  In this year since Rose was born, this would be only my second trip to the store. 

I got a GREAT deal!  I got some clothes for $1, and some things were buy 2 get 1 free.  I bought some 18 month clothes, 24 month clothes, and 2T clothes, all for a total of $153!  Tomorrow Mike has offered to help me do some clothes and closet organization.

18 month clothes

24 month clothes

2T clothes

I then came home after Mike had fed Rose lunch.  I put her down for a nap, ate lunch myself, and started a load of laundry.  As I stayed home with napping Rose, Mike went off to our taxes appointment and then off to a night of Magic the Gathering.

I started dinner of spaghetti squash and homemade marinara sauce in the crock pot.  I got the idea from a post on the blog of another adoptive mama.  The link to her blog and the recipe can be found here:  http://www.catchingupwithkate.com/spaghetti-squash-slow-cooker/    I am NOT a fan of jarred pasta sauces.  Most of them have too much sugar.  Instead, I used just chopped Roma tomatoes, a little olive oil, garlic, fresh basil, fresh oregano, salt, pepper, and garlic powder.

As I write, Rose is still asleep with a LONG afternoon nap.  Tonight as Mike is at Magic I plan to work on my furniture repurposing project.  Stay tuned for a blog post about the project with before and after photos.

Let it Go!

 Ok, I know that "Let it Go!" has been heard a lot lately with the popularity of Disney's Frozen.  When I say it, I am not referring to the movie.  This saying does not directly relate to our adoption journey, but it does relate to how I want to live my life and be remembered by my daughter.

I have always been one who is very neat and ordered.  When growing up, I had a Fischer Price castle, hospital, and Sesame Street house, complete with nurses, Big Bird, etc.  I was insanely disturbed when these toys were passed down to my younger sister and she would place Big Bird in the hospital, or the princess from the castle appeared in the Sesame Street house.

My dad has always been impressed that I have had the ability to make wherever I was seem so homey and cute.  From my first dorm room in Santa Cruz, to a small studio apartment in Baltimore, to my first small starter home.  I've never felt like my home was set up until photos and art work were hung on the walls.  I remember when I bought and moved into my first home on a Sunday, I stayed up Tuesday night until 3 a.m. Wednesday morning to set up my kitchen.  Boy, was I a teacher short on patience the next day.  Sorry, kiddos.

When Mike and I were first married, I was teaching full time, doing all the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, and the majority of the yard work.  I admit that early on in my marriage I did not know how to ask my hubby for help.  I would wait until I would get so overwhelmed and frustrated that I would lash out at the poor guy.  Who wants to help when his wife goes all psycho on him?!  Mike, poor guy, was a graduate student who had been renting a room within a house before we were married.  He didn't use the kitchen, and ate fast food for every meal.  He just did not seem to notice housework that needed to be done, and I foolishly expected him to read my mind.  I also have a much lower dirt threshold than he does.  He has always been willing to pick something up or clean it when it bothers him, but I can't stand to let it get to that point.

Now almost nine and a half years into our marriage, I have gotten a lot better about when and how I ask Mike for help with something around the house.  I have had to realize that if I ask him to do something, it has to be done on his time table, and not mine.  That means that it will be done a lot later than I would like, and that has to be ok.  If there is a deadline for something, I have figured out to give him plenty of notice, so he knows the deadline, but can do the task whenever it works for his schedule.  We've also gotten so much better about checking in with each other about needs and wishes for the evenings and weekends, so we're more aware of what needs to be done.

I still have to admit a HUGE personality flaw on my part.  I can't stand things not being ordered or clean.  This was so difficult when we moved into our current house shortly before working on my final project for my Masters of Music.  Getting everything unpacked and put in order was such a deep need of mine that I had trouble focusing on my final project.

This has always been a frustration for me.  I can rationalize the fact that I need to let cleaning and housework go, especially with a baby.  There are so many other things that are important than having a perfectly clean kitchen floor!  Yet, I have always been one who does not allow myself to sit and practice the piano or violin, crochet, read, watch a movie, or other things I wish to do, when I know for example there is a collection of clean and dry laundry on the clothesline in our laundry closet, dishes in the dishwasher need to be unloaded.

I admit that in between diaper changes, feedings, and nap schedules, it has been difficult to get out of the house with a young infant.  My daughter almost 11 months old now, I am finding myself coming out of the bubble that is being a mama to a young baby.  I do not want Rose to think that you can't go to the park because there are dishes in the sink. 

I am not saying that I have to keep a dirty and disordered house.  I would NEVER allow that to happen!  What I am trying to make a conscious effort to do, is to relax and let it go.  These things need to be done, and they will get done.  I need to allow myself to tackle the tasks within a timeframe that is humanly possible, and not attempt to do five things in the amount of time I should expect myself to conquer one task.  Mike has long joked that my to-do list for one day would be his to-do list for two months.  He says that the second I find my To Do list is low, instead of enjoying that freedom and taking the time to relax, I pile more things on my plate.  I try to do way too much each and every day!  At the age of 40, I have been frustrated by this for atleast 20 years.  When will I ever learn?!

I have always been someone who worries that it is thought that I don't work hard enough.  This was especially apparent when I stopped working full time in order to focus on my music career, my Masters of Music, and the process of adoption.  I was so worried that it would be thought that I was a lazy bon bon eating housewife and loaf of a musician and housewife.  NEVER have I felt pressure from Mike to have the house in perfect order.  He would be totally understanding if I was too busy composing one day to make dinner, or I hadn't done that load of dark laundry that could be done.  I PUT THE PRESSURE ON MYSELF.  I need to LET IT GO!

Adoption Day and Rose's First Christmas!

Adoption Day and First Christmas!

I feel poorly that I haven't written in a long while.  So much has happened since my last post.  Here's a bit of a catch up.  Rose is now almost 10 months old.  She's doing so well!  She's crawling, pulling herself up, and standing.  We had a tough month when teething threw a wrench into our sleep.  Our champ sleeper was waking up crying and upset.  Her first two bottom teeth are now in and she's resumed her champ sleeping habits!  I unfortunately can not remember who gifted it to her, but she has a cloth doll that I finally dug out of the toy bin in her closet.  For a few nights and naps she was crawling off of her low mattress on the floor to the shelf and getting her doll.  We decided that she was trying to tell us that she wanted to sleep with the doll, so we now put her down to sleep for naps and the night with the doll.  She's getting into things she shouldn't, lights up our days with her smiles and laughter, and is a beautiful, happy, strong, smart, sweet, and determined baby.

ADOPTION DAY!
The biggest event was the finalization of Rose's Adoption.  The finalization of Rose's adoption took place on Thursday, November 6th, the day she turned eight months old.  My parents and Mike's mother were here for the occasion.  I was frustrated because the court changed the time of the hearing and then the night before, I received an e-mail wanting to change the time yet again.  I had people to coordinate with, rides and cars to organize, and the court was not right around the corner.  When to leave, getting there, etc. was going to take some planning.  OK, I admit it; I am a planner.  I was so incredibly anxious with the multiple and last minute change of time.

The actual hearing took about 5 minutes.  I remember feeling so incredibly disappointed with the brevity of the event.  It just did not at all seem to reflect the importance and sentiment of the occasion.  Yet, it happened, and that is the important part.

11/6/2014: Rose's adoption day!

The day after the finalization I was absolutely EXHAUSTED!  I believe it was the fact that this day was the culmination of a five year journey to become parents, including fostering Little D. and a failed adoption and losing Russell.  Too, the stress of the changing time and organizing the day wiped me out.

That weekend we hosted an open house party in celebration of Rose's adoption and her baptism, which was set for the following day.  Our house was filled with people who have loved us and seen us through this journey.  I felt incredibly blessed!


Later that month we celebrated Thanksgiving with my aunt, uncle, and two cousins.  We had so much to be grateful for!

ROSE'S FIRST CHRISTMAS

As is our tradition, Mike and I made and decorated some homemade sugar cookies.  I remember three years ago, I had an emergency appendectomy on December 15th.  I was not up to making sugar cookies that year.  Mike, missing the tradition (and the cookies), went and picked up a bag mix of sugar cookies.  He mixed them up and we sat on the couch with a table in front of us and A Christmas Story on tv and decorated cookies.  He then announced that they were nothing compared to my yummy homemade cookies.  So, we make it a point to make homemade sugar cookies every year.  As you can see, Rose was more interested in the clicking of the camera timer than helping to cut out cookies.  ;)

Yesterday we celebrated Rose's first Christmas!  What a wonderful day!  We celebrated at home, just the three of us that morning, opening gifts and just being together.  Rose received gifts from us, her grandparents, aunts and uncles, and her birth family.  Here are some picture highlights.

 Here is a photo of Rose inspecting the box of Christmas prezzies from her birth mother and family.

 I waited so long to be able to hang our child's stocking for Christmas.  My mom made these stockings for all of us and Rose was gifted another stocking by a friend of mine.

 One of the gifts in Rose's stocking was a cloth photo album including photos of our family and Rose's birth family.

 I know the photo's blurry, but I love the smile on Rose's face as she holds a stuffed owl from her birth aunt.

A family Christmas photo

My aunt and uncle who live nearby came over for Christmas dinner.  Our dinner included homemade sourdough rolls.  Moving to higher altitude of Colorado has thrown a wrench in some of my baking, but I got this recipe from a high altitude baking cookbook my mom gifted me a couple years ago.  I started the process three days before Christmas with the yeast starter.

WHOLEGHAN

Growing up, Mike and his family had several  afghans.  One of them was quite large.  They began referring to the large one as a wholeghan and the smaller ones as halfghans.  A few years ago he asked me to crochet him a wholeghan.  I dragged him to the store with me to choose the colors.  Well, three years in the making, I furiously worked to finish his wholeghan for his Christmas gift this year.  I did it!  Here is a photo of my very tall hubby wrapped up in his wholeghan.

A WHITE CHRISTMAS

We did get a white Christmas this year!  It started snowing around 3 p.m.  It was beautiful to be warm inside with the Christmas lights, warm drink and food, and the snow falling.  It did take my aunt and uncle a while to get home though because of the slick roads.  We don't usually get enough here where it accumulates or sticks around long enough.  We have a south facing driveway, so we don't often have to shovel, but we got enough snow and are expecting cold and even negative temps in the next few days that Mike shoveled the driveway this afternoon.

PLAYING GAMES

Playing games is a big tradition of ours every holiday.  This year Mike gave me the game of Mancala for Christmas.  After the dishes were washed and put away, the kitchen cleaned up, and Rose was in bed, Mike and I sat by the fire and played some Mancala.  We had actually seen Rose's birth mother and sister playing the game the last time we video chatted with them a couple weeks ago.  It's a fun game.  In this pic, Mike was winning!

We hope for you that this holiday season and new year are filled with love, joy, and peace.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  I will try to post more often as we approach Rose's first birthday in March.

Grocery Shopping in Sweats, Glasses, and Without Makeup - Who Would Have Thought?!

Please let me preface this post by saying that I am in NO WAY whatsoever complaining about my husband or the fact that I'm blessed to have the funds to shop for healthy and yummy food.  This is such a first world problem!

I have detested grocery shopping ever since I moved off campus into an apartment during college at the University of California at Santa Cruz.  My mom wonderfully helped me set up a system of cutting up and freezing meat in single serving baggies to allow for easy preparation of meals such as chicken and veggie stir fry.  She provided me with recipes that I grew up helping her cook.  I enjoyed having friends over and cooking for them.  Yet, I hated the task of grocery shopping.

For many years I would do all of my grocery shopping and cleaning on Sunday.  Then I'd be vacuuming at 8:30 or 9 p.m. and never felt like I had a relaxing evening before heading to school or work the following day.

In 2004, when I met Mike, I owned a home while he was renting a room in a house with a number of other graduate students.  A very picky eater and one who does not cook, grocery shopping for the home just wasn't really on his radar.

When we were first married in 2005, I do have to realistically say that the household duties were unbalanced.  I was teaching full time and Mike was going through the grueling process of completing his Ph.D.  I continued to do ALL the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and getting Mike to help with yard work was like pulling teeth.  There are a few reasons for this.

1.  My dirt threshold is MUCH LOWER than Mike's.  This means that something being dirty or messy bothers me much sooner than it bothers Mike.  He would eventually be compelled to clean or sort things, but that would be at a much later time than I could handle.  Because of this, I just did it.

2.  I needed to learn how to ask for help.  Mike didn't grow up doing much around the house for him to notice something that needed to be done and take the initiative to do it.  I would get so overwhelmed by housework on top of my teaching, that I would get frazzled and lash out at Mike.  Of course he then didn't want to help me.  I needed to learn how to ask for help and allow him the time to complete the task when it worked for his schedule.  He also needed to learn what things just needed to be done that he could help with without my having to ask each and every time.

3.  I have tremendous difficulty letting house cleanliness and order go in an effort to do the enjoyable things such as practicing, composing, reading, etc.  I'm admitting a huge personality flaw in this post in stating that I put too much pressure on MYSELF to have an extremely clean and orderly house.  I recognize that and wish I could change that about myself, but no luck so far.

 After we were married, I continued to do my grocery shopping and cleaning on Sundays.  I was working full time as a Montessori teacher, and all I wanted to do after teaching was to come home, not grocery shop.  I know the difficulty of balancing work, household chores, relaxation, and fun is a natural part of the human race.  I would be frustrated and resentful each and every Sunday as I tried to balance sleeping in, feeding myself, grocery shopping, and cleaning the house as Mike slept in until noon and played video games.  It was after I had an emotional melt down that Mike offered a suggestion.  Why didn't I go grocery shopping and cleaning on weekdays?  Even though we made financial decisions together, Mike has always wonderfully taken on the responsibility of record keeping and bill paying. 

I decided to clean on Wednesdays as he was at bowling.  Thursdays became my grocery shopping day.  I would stop off at both Trader Joe's and Stater Bros. on my way home from work.  Then by the time I got home with groceries and Mike would help me unload them and put them away, I was STARVING and too tired to consider cooking.  I had just spent this time and money buying groceries, but Thursdays after grocery shopping became our going out to eat night of the week.

In 2009 I quit my Montessori teaching career with the move to Colorado.  I wanted to focus on my music career and the process of adoption.  It was also when I stopped working full time that Mike and I managed to work out a more even distribution of household tasks and find our rhythm.  I have gotten much better at asking for help when needed, and he now has taken responsibility of household tasks without having to be asked each and every time.  Every night after dinner I do the dishes and start the dishwasher.  Now without having to be specifically asked even when there were dishes piling up in the sink, he unloads the dishwasher each and every night. 

I still took charge of meal planning and grocery shopping.  I was the one in this partnership who now had the time to do the shopping, and I was still the one doing the cooking.  I still despised grocery shopping, but was happy that I now had more available time in which to do it.  No matter how I worked it, I would always be at the grocery store starving for lunch.  People always suggested going once Mike got home from work.  When Mike came home from work, we were always starving for dinner and wanted to spend that time together. My grocery shopping days also include lots of prep work cutting up meat, veggies, and fruit to allow for less work throughout the week with snack and meal preparation.  As a mom I've been frustrated that on Thursdays I always felt like I did the bare minimum with my daughter as I was busy doing these things. 

A few months ago Mike wonderfully offered to take over the Safeway or King Soopers shopping.  He's responsible for buying his pop, which I don't drink and have trouble reaching in the store.  This way I can do a weekly run to Sprouts or Trader Joe's and he takes care of the going to one of the other stores for bread, pop, and other small things.  This is a HUGE help, as going to even one store is difficult with a baby.

Part of my issue is just my personality.  I find it difficult to accept that I am unable to do EVERY THING EVERY DAY.  It is impossible to exercise, practice all 5 instruments I play, compose, cook, keep up with housework, spend the day cuddling my baby, crochet, etc. all in one day.  Mike jokes that if there were more hours in the day it would not help alleviate my to do list, but it would cause me to add to my to do list.  I am one who usually lets the other enjoyable things go to allow time to maintain order in my house.  I'm working on that, but to be honest, I've been working on it for many years, and think I will be working on finding that balance each of my remaining days on Earth.

So yesterday I had a revelation.  Why don't I skip my morning run on grocery shopping days, and get up and go shopping in my sweats, glasses, and without makeup?  I would never before thought of being seen grocery shopping in this state.  And I can look quite scary when I wake up!

So this morning I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The woman working at the meat counter and the cashier recognized me.  I am still the same person.  Neither of the commented on my lack of beautification this morning.

I LOVED this new routine as it allowed me to get home with groceries put away and prepped, and the kitchen all cleaned BEFORE lunch.  I still hated grocery shopping, but certainly made for a smoother day!  Rose even took her late morning snooze as I worked away prepping food.  I also had the opportunity to dance around my music studio to Disney with Rose.  It's now 1 p.m. as I finish writing this.  Rose and I are about to go take our afternoon nap.

Why do women in general, and mothers specifically put so much pressure on themselves?  I get no pressure from Mike whatsoever to have the house spotless or to always have the healthy yummy meal ready on time.  I put the pressure upon myself.  I dislike that, but no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise, those feelings are still present. 

A few months ago I even came up with a new mantra: I AM ENOUGH.  I AM ENOUGH of a mother.  I AM ENOUGH of a wife.  I AM ENOUGH of a musician.  This new mantra doesn't keep me from having these feelings.  It does help serve as a reminder that I can not do it all, and the only one who has ever expected me to be able to do so is me!  So I think I will continue to do my grocery shopping early in the morning in my sweats, glasses, and without makeup.  I am human after all.  Just another person in search of balance in life.

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day.  I can't help but fall more and more in love with my husband as I witness the amazing father he is to Rose.  Here's a photo of him sharing a nap with her when she was 2 weeks old.

 Mike with Rose on her first trip to the beach

Each Sunday I get up early, either awakened by Rose, or trying to squeeze in a shower before she wakes.  After she is changed and fed, and wiggles around a bit, she's tired and ready for a snooze.  I take her in and put her in bed next to Mike.  They usually cuddle and fall asleep again.  This scene never ceases to bring tears of joy to my face.  There is no way anyone can doubt the genuine and sincere love that these two have for each other!

Yesterday Mike said to me, "I'm so happy being a dad."  I know that it is not the creating of life that makes one a dad, and Mike truly defines and proves this point.

On Father's Day, my thoughts can't help but turn to the men who made the babies we have had in our home.  Little D. and Russell are actually being raised by their fathers.  I pray that these two boys know love and joy.  I am grateful to my husband for being a dad to them for the time they were with us.

Not getting into any details, we do not know Rose's birth father.  He does not know that he conceived a child.  Being in an open adoption with Rose's birth mother, we know family history and are able to share photos and stories with Rose so she knows the woman who gave her life.  We share the love that Rose's birth mother has for her each and every day! 

With our history of losing two sons to their biological fathers, I can honestly say that I am relieved that we do not know how to find Rose's birth father.  We anxiously await the finalization of her adoption.  Yet, another part of me is sad that he was a part of bringing Rose into the world, and I really have nothing that I know of him to share with her.  I am incredibly grateful that Rose came into being.  I can't imagine my life without her.  For his part in that, I thank him.  He has given Mike the opportunity to be an amazing dad to an amazing little girl!