What Can I Control

Today I started doing laundry and packing.  I wanted to get some of Mike's things packed, but he wouldn't let me.  He says he'll do that quickly when the time comes.  We talked over scenarios of what to do if baby girl comes early.

I told Mike that I was feeling a bit anxious because we don't know when the baby will arrive.  I am one who likes to feel in control.  I can not control her arrival.  I told Mike that I am not freaking out, but packing is something I can control.

I started washing baby bottles.

I know I will have to rewash them, but it is something I can be doing right now.

Update on Baby Girl

It's been a long while since I've blogged.  I've been getting a lot of people understandably asking for an update on the baby and our journey.

Things have been going very smoothly.  The baby is technically due on March 19th.  I have my flight to Vegas booked and Mike plans to follow shortly afterwards in his car.  I continue to communicate with the birthmother, G., who is now visiting the doctor weekly.  Mike and I have set aside baby clothes and items that we want to take with us.  My mom made a beautiful valance for the nursery and things are nicely set up.

Last Sunday I awoke to an e-mail from G. in which she informed me that she had experienced labor pains Friday night, keeping her up all night.  She ended up calling the nurse from work on Saturday because the pains were continuing.  The nurse told G. to make her way to the hospital, so she did.  She was told that she was in labor.  She was 35 weeks pregnant, so their goal was to stop the contractions.  After what G. describes as 3 painful shots and hours, the hospital staff was able to stop her contractions. 

I was definitely nervous about this.  This was more than a month before G.'s duedate!  My mom reassured me that the hospital would not have sent her home if there was a problem.  She was not put on bedrest or told to see the doctor before her next regularly scheduled visit.

G. had another doctor's visit on Wednesday where she was told that the goal is to keep the baby "cooking" for atleast another two weeks.  That would mean she'll be at about 37 weeks, a safer period for delivery. 

My plan was to start laundering all the newborn baby clothes beginning March 1st and Mike and I could then organize what items I will be taking with me on my flight and what items Mike will take with him in the car.  It looks like we may have to do this earlier than I had planned!  I want to be packed and pretty much ready in case we need to make a quick exit.

Oh my goodness, this is coming up quickly!  I'd always heard people say that the waiting period in an adoption journey feels like eternity.  Well, almost three years.  Yes, it did feel like an eternity!  I've also heard that then that time between match and birth always seems to go by so incredibly fast.  I am finding this to completely be the truth!

Oh my goodness, I'm going to be a mama very soon.  I continue to pray for the physical and emotional aspect of the journey on the part of G.  When we spoke on the phone a couple weeks ago, I did tell her that no matter how smoothly everything goes, it's not an easy process for anyone involved.  There are so many layers and parts to adoption, that it is so incredibly complex.  I believe that's one reason why adoption is not more openly and frequently discussed.  It's such a complex process, that it is near impossible to relate or truly understand it unless you have experienced it yourself.

We're excited, nervous, and anxious, of course!  I ask that you continue to keep G., the baby, and us in your prayers.  We pray for safe, smooth, and comfortable travel, labor, and delivery.  Words will never be able to express our gratitude and love for G.  I am more and more impressed by her sweet nature, kindness, bravery, and courage each and every day.

Thank you, all for your continued love, prayers, and support! 

Glider

Mike and I went to the furniture store to purchase a new recliner for the livingroom.  Gliders were in the same area as the recliners.  I told Mike that I would love to have one for the nursery.  We found out that if we added a glider to our order, the delivery charge would be the same as with the recliner alone.

The glider was delivered today.  We LOVE it and anxiously await the arrival of the baby girl to rock in it.

We still have some work to do before the nursery is complete and fully functional, but it's coming along.  Of course not as quickly as this impatient girl would like.  We'll be all ready for our little girl! 

THE CALL!

The Call came before 8 a.m. on Tuesday, December 3rd, 2013.  We were told that we had been chosen by a beautiful, strong, courageous, and brave birthmother to be adoptive parents to a baby girl due in March.  From now on, for privacy sake, I will refer to the birthmother as G.

We had our first Facetime conversation with G. on Sunday, Decenber 22nd.  She is lovely!  She is beautiful both inside and out.  G seems very sweet, smart, and has a strong head on her shoulders.  The conversation went very smoothly and we are now communicating daily via e-mail and texts.  G has a six year old daughter.  She has shown us pictures of the absolutely gorgeous girl.

We are definitely planning on an open adoption with our daughter knowing the courageous sacrifice G will have made when placing her for adoption.  We want our daughter to know her sister and other family.  This is going to be a lifelong relationship we have with them.  I'm grateful that we feel so comfortable and open communicating with each other.  I have checked with G, and she has assured me that she's comfortable with me blogging, documenting, and sharing this journey.

We made the announcement of our expected bundle of joy to family and friends via Facebook on Christmas Day.  It was our most sincere wish that this was the last Christmas without a child in our home.  Our wish has been granted.  Already I am thinking about how we may have to decorate differently next year with a nine month old crawling about.  One year my mom actually had to put the Christmas tree in the playpen to keep my extremely active and mischievous little sister from pulling the tree down on top of herself or ruining all of the ornaments.

Mike and I spent a lovely Christmas together, just the two of us.  We Facetimed with my family in California and Mike's family in Michigan.  Mike's mom mentioned that they might come and spend next Christmas with us.

How do you say, "thank you" to someone for the greatest gift of all, that of parenthood?  Adoption, no matter how smooth the relationship between birth and adoptive parents, comes with joys an challenges, rewards, and sacrifices.  Our joy will come from G's sacrifice.  Losing Russell is a grief that I will carry with me each and every day of my life.  I will NEVER claim to know and understand all of G's feelings throughout this process.  I do pray that our experience with grief and loss with allow us to more closely be able to comprehend and relate to some of G's possible feelings with placing her baby for adoption.

Russell's first birthday is March 27th, 2014.  I know that it will be an extremely difficult day for me.  The last time I saw him he was not yet 3 weeks old and I was strapping him in to a car seat and seeing him carried out our front door by a case worker on his way to live with his father.

Our daughter is due on March 19th.  G is certain that the baby will come early, and upon further conversation, she told us that she guesses March 12th.  March 12th, 2014 will be the tenth anniversary of the first date for me and Mike.  Wouldn't that be incredible if the tenth anniversary of our first date is commemorated by the arrival of our daughter?  This would also mean that the stinging pain of Rusell's first birthday will be experienced while holding my newborn daughter.

Right now I'm feeling very nesty.  The nursery has what it needs in terms of crib, changing table, and dresser.  I am someone who is so impatient when it comes to things like this.  Once I have a goal in mind, I want it done and settled.  We just have some further arranging and organization to do.  I picture wooden letters with her name hung above the crib.  Mike assembled a toy shelf/organizer last night.  We'll probably keep it in the kitchen or livingroom, but it's one step closer to having things settled.

Mike's mom sent us a cute outfit for her.  I'm just absolutely thrilled that there is now a tangible reason to be the recipient of baby clothes.  Most of the few clothes that I have are boys things.  I'm not at all worried about clothes for her.  I have plenty of gender neutral sleepers for her for the beginning.  Then, we can hopefully get some hand-me-downs and buy some clothes once we know her size and such.  I picture some cute bows and headbands for her.  We'll see if she'll keep them on.  ;)

Last night Mike and I went to the Blossoms of Light at the Denver Botanic Gardens.  I'd wanted to go ever since we moved to Colorado four years ago.  We almost went last year when Mike's parents were visiting from Michigan, but the one night it worked out with our schedule, it was way too cold and none of us wanted to go out.  The lights were beautiful!  I'll share some photos, but I doubt any of them will do the sights any justice.

We have been put on hold with the second adoption agency we've been working with, and anytime after this adoption is finalized we can reactivate our profile and be put back on the books for a second adoption if we choose.

I came across this article about positive adoption language.  I ask that our family and friends please read this.  One way you can support us, G, and our daughter is by using positive adoption language.
http://www.adoptionhelp.org/blog/2013/whats-so-important-about-positive-adoption-language/?utm_content=buffer1bea7&utm_source=buffer&utm_medium=google&utm_campaign=Buffer

We thank everyone for the incredibly overwhelming prayers, love, and support that are coming our way.  This has definitely been a roller coaster journey of many years.  It is so reassuring knowing that we are surrounded by such loving family and friends.  Thank you!  We are thrilled about this life altering event in our life.  I firmly believe that the birth and placement of our daughter will not be the end of our Journey to Adoption, but actually, just the beginning!!!!!!  :)

Thanksgiving 2013

Happy Thanksgiving!

We love Thanksgiving.  Our dining room table belonged to Mike's grandparents.  Mike's parents brought it to us from Michigan when they visited last Christmas.  Our tablecloth was a gift Mike's mother brought back from a trip to Ecuador while visiting Mike's sister, Tammy.

 

 

 

The buffet all set.

Kristin is a wonderful cook!  Here are a few shots of the culinary delicacies.

The bird

The spread

 

Mike and I ready to dig into the delicious food.  We feel there is someone missing from this photo.  Kristin's aunt and uncle as well as another cousin will be moving from California to Colorado in the new year.  We look forward to hosting them for Thanksgiving next year.  We are thankful for the blessings in our life, but we pray there will be a baby at next year's Thanksgiving table.

Kristin is a fourth generation pie baker.  She, her mother, and sister, are all well known for their delicious pies!

 pumpkin pie!!!!!!!!

Mike then set up Kristin's Happy Spot in front of the fire.

Kristin made this pillow her freshman year of college to place against the wall to study.  It has a few holes in it and needs to be replaced after twenty-one years.

Games after dessert are a Thanksgiving tradition.

Tonight it was Carcassonne, one of Mike's favorite games.

We enjoy the holidays and spending time together.  We feel blessed to have each other and our marriage.  We anxiously await the time when we can share this time and traditions with a child.

Failed Adoptions

I came across this article on Facebook and found it quite intriguing.  It is a birth mother's perspective and guidance to informing adoptive parents if they've changed their mind about the adoption plan or the adoptive parents.

http://www.americaadopts.com/telling-adopting-parents-youve-changed-your-mind-about-your-adoption-plan/#comment-4836

As an adoptive mom who has suffered a failed adoption, I can't begin to pretend to understand the emotions and journey of a birthmother.  I can respect and understand if she changes her mind about adoption or the adoptive parents.  I'm not at all pretending that this would be easy for any of the parties involved.

We can not pretend that even in the smoothest of adoption journeys it is easy and without its challenges for all involved.  Even if for the most rational reasons, adoption comes with both joy and sorrow and rewards and challenges.

One thing that I have recently come to recognize is that losing baby Russell is a grief that I will carry with me each and every day of my life!  I do not wish a failed adoption upon anyone.  I do not happily accept the situation of losing our son, but I have found a sense of peace and normalcy in my continued grief.

We have received notification that with one agency we've had 33 of our brochures go out in these past 3 months.  We've been shown to a number of other birth mothers through the second agency.  I have completely mixed feelings about this.  These are wonderfully positive signs that we are being shown and seen.  That is awesome!  On the other hand, these have resulted in not one e-mail or phone call or match.  I've become cautiously optimistic with each potential birth mother.  It's still impossible not to feel the sting of rejection when we're not chosen.

I met my wonderful husband, Mike nine years ago.  I told him of my inability to have children after we had been dating only a week and a half.  Adoption was brought up as an option for the future.  Never did I imagine that nine years later we would still not be parents and have suffered a horribly devastating failed adoption.

People continue to encourage patience and that the right child is out there.  This has been a huge challenge for me.  My family and friends who know me well know that I am not a patient person!  I can be patient with others, but not with situations out of my control.  I set my mind upon a goal and work like crazy to attain that goal.  I feel so helpless and out of control in this situation as we've done everything possible that we can do at this point in time.  It is so difficult to maintain faith when faced with disappointment after disappointment.

It has been said that we'll forget about this loss and the waiting period once we have our baby in our arms.  I unarguably will NEVER forget the grief of losing Russell or the more than two and a half years of waiting.  I can say that I will carry this grief always, but it is true that time heals. 

The Cradle

My incredible friend, Michelle, is an adoptive mom of two boys.  She is a friend from church and actually connected me with Adoption Choices of Colorado, with which we've resumed our adoption profile.  She had a cradle she used with her two boys that she generously wanted to pass along to us.  She brought it over to the house the other day and it is beautiful!  Thank you, Michelle!

I await the day when it will not be empty, but filled with my beautiful child!  It is taking conscious effort to look at the cradle and the rest of the nursery without being sad about their emptiness, but with the hope and promise of what is to come.  Some days are easier than others to keep the faith.  In speaking with Michelle, we hoped that putting the cradle in the nursery will help bring some positive energy to this adoption journey.

I'm beginning work on two letters that are just for my emotional processing, and will not be mailed.  The first letter is to Russell's birthmother.  I would not wish a failed adoption upon anyone.  It has been the most devastating and heartbreaking event of my life!  I have come to recognize some of the positives of this situation though. 

Things I was already aware of but have been reminded of are:
1.  I have an incredible husband and marriage.
2.  I am surrounded by loving and supportive family and friends.


The thing that I've learned and that I want to include in my letter to Russell's birthmother is:
I now am aware of the grief and loss that most birthmothers must experience.  I will be an adoptive mom with this rare insight and understanding.  I hope this is a help in our relationship with a birthmother through open adoption and will aid in the sharing of our child's birth and adoption story.

The second letter that I would like to write is one to our future child.  One in which I share the hope and promise of his coming.

One really difficult pill to swallow is that a couple we met in November 2010 when we went to L.A. for our intensive weekend with Independent Adoption Center, now has a son they adopted in 2011, and is on the list awaiting a second child.  I DO NOT begrudge them their happiness one bit!  It's just difficult to see how this can be a smooth and quick process for some and a difficult and long journey for others like us.